She was born in Dyersville, Iowa, in 1945, to sixteen-year-old
Ethel Schluster and her husband of five months,
thirty-five-year-old dairy farmer Carlton O’Lehane, after
Ethel’s father beat O’Lehane unconscious, waking him up with a
bucket of cow’s milk splashed in his face, before being held up
by Ethel’s two brothers, who beat him back into unconsciousness
following the blessed ceremony.
Ethel’s
pregnancy had been a mistake, clearly. She knew this, because
she had successfully had sexual intercourse with five fellow
students, two teachers, and the youth minister of her church,
after he saved her soul in a private ceremony.
Unfortunately for the hapless and lonely Carlton
O’Lehane, who had paid Ethel twenty dollars and a bucket of
cream to bend over his milking stool for what amounted to three
minutes of her time, modern paternity testing had not yet been
invented, and he was declared the father.
And beaten
unconscious by his mother three months later, when Ethel ran off
with a traveling apothecarist who guaranteed his patented
Ancient Egyptian Formula would shrink her vagina to its
pre-childbirth state with daily applications. And together,
Carlton and his mother raised MaryAlice, until at fifteen she
ran off with a self-declared Hollywood movie producer who
thought she was three years older and quietly agreed to marry
the child in Mexico.
The marriage
lasted sixteen months, at which time he agreed to let MaryAlice
O’Lehane divorce him for infidelity, just to get her out of his
hair, two days after which she married a
genuine-if-not-terribly-reputable movie producer, who cast her
in a series of slasher movies featuring her in increasingly
revealing outfits, until an MPAA rating caused her last film to
be banned.
Wishing to be
taken seriously as an actress, she divorced that husband and
married a director at a lesser-known production company who dyed
her hair red, changed her name to ethnically-confusing Maricella
Leary, and cast her in his “B” movies as the femme fatale, until
how difficult she was on the set and her raging promiscuity off
the set led to another husband “admitting” to infidelity, just
to get her out of his hair.
Still,
Maricella’s career was successful. She starred in sixty-seven
movies over the next sixteen years and three husbands, the last
of whom divorced her for giving him syphilis, a scandal that
forced her to leave Hollywood, accept roles in straight-to-video
soft porn movies, and ultimately die after being pushed from the
top of the a Ferris wheel by her fiancé of two months, when he
discovered she’d slept with the manager of the theme park, where
Maricella had been hired to reprise her now-cult character of
Delila in her first slasher movie.
Despite video
evidence of the couple arguing, her pushing him and him pushing
back, he was acquitted of all the charges, after the jury
deliberated for two hours, long enough, the foreman reported
afterwards, for the members of the jury to receive a free lunch.
